The Styrofoam Life


(Written May 14, 2014)
Today I worked in a brand new house that costs $1.5 million. Gated community. All trim (door frames, baseboards) was made of painted particle board, the concrete details outside of the house were made of Styrofoam coated with a thin layer of concrete, the bath tubs where plastic and surrounded by expensive tile, the garage doors were the same as a house that costs $55K. Simply put – this was a Styrofoam House. This is what our society values at $1.5M. Would you like for your family to have such a fake house?
A Styrofoam Experience?

I’m writing this because the Styrofoam Pattern can be found in many areas of our lives – both material and spiritual. Maybe you don’t mind it. But the result is a diminished quality of your life experience. You can do better.

Do you believe you can do better?

The childhood and the lake


I grew up right there – if the camera had moved a bit to the right you’d see the apartment building where we lived. So I remember the lake from every angle and of course – the restaurant. The paddle wheels, the swans for the kids, the boats…

But everything in life comes and goes.

Always, absolutely always, our problem is that we do not know when something starts and something ends. Often something is long gone from our life or from its own existence, but it appears that it is still with us. What really happens is more complicated and not the point of this writing – things actually exist the way we know them only in our heads.

The lake was gone many years ago – I’d say in the early 1990’s – when one night the gypsies cut down to the ankles the bronze statue of the young man holding a spear. In the morning I walked by, stopped, looked at that horror and finally my desire to leave the hell called “Bulgaria” fully formed inside me. Eventually that happened too. The sculpture that I had walked in front of since I remembered myself was now reduced to two tiny ankles cut off from the body. Hollow inside and very quiet. Well, you understand my feelings.

But it takes long years to understand that things just change and are never that which you remember or hope them to be one day – there is no hell and there is no paradise.

So yes, the area had a period when it was absolutely wonderful. It just so happened that a big part of my childhood took place there. That is something simply beautiful and I’m grateful that it happened that way. The entire area has all the potential to look very beautiful – with the proper maintenance. I can not say that for other parts of Sofia where I’ve lived. And I’d add – parts of America included – because here things have a tendency to be well maintained and somehow feel especially empty.

Отраснах точно там – ако фотоапарата леко беше мръднал надясно щеше да се вижда блока в който живеехме. Така че помня езерото от всеки ъгъл и разбира се – ресторанта. Водните колела, лебедите за децата, лодките…

Но всичко в живота идва и си отива.

Винаги, абсолютно винаги, нашия проблем е че не знаем кога нещо започва и кога си отива. Много често нещо отдавна си е отишло от живота или от съществуването си, но на нас ни изглежда че още го има.

Езерото си отиде преди много години – бих казал през ранните 90 – когато циганите една нощ отрязаха до глезените бронзовото момче с копието и оставиха само стъпалата му на пиедестала. На сутринта минах, спрях, гледах тоя ужас и окончателно ме обзе желание да се махна от тоя ад “България”. Така и стана в крайна сметка. Скулптурата пред която съм минавал откакто се помня сега беше два прерязани малки глезена. Кухи отвътре и много тихи. Е, разбирате ме.

Но отнема дълги години да озъзнаеш как нещата просто се променят и никога не са това което помниш или се надяваш някога да са – няма ад и няма рай.

Така че да, района имаше период когато беше прекрасен. Така е станало че там е било детството ми. Това е нещо просто прекрасно и съм благодарен че ми се е случило. А, иначе, целия район, не само около езертото, има всички предпоставки да изглежда прекрасно – ако има подходяща поддръжка. Не мога да кажа това за други части на София в които съм живял. Пък бих добавил – и Америка – защото тук нещата имат тенденцията да изглеждат поддръжани и някакси особено празни.

Versions of Reality

Only by creating versions of reality we are able to exist as more or less organized beings.

That’s the price for having a mind that is capable of abstract thought and meta observation of reality.

And the price for being part of a more developed society.


I am Great


“I am great
Because they throw me in the ground
Six months I lay buried and endure
Then they harvest me and cut my tops
when the sickle cuts and dices me I still endure
They take me to the mill and grind me between the stones
Knead me, mix me with water, and bake me in fire and I still endure…”

защото като ме хвърлят в земята,
шест месеца лежа зарит и трая.
Сетне ме жънат и върхат.
Като пуснат диканята да ме реже и ситни, пак трая.
Носят ме на воденица и ме мелят между камъните.
Месят мe, с вода ме бъркат, на огън ме пекат и пак трая … ”

— Йоанна Нинова „ Мястото на хляба в културата на
традиционното/ предмодерното общество в България”,



In today’s world there is no shame. “Shame” is a word from the past.

Many other such words still exist but today they do not mean anything any more. Just because a word exists in a language does not mean that what it describes actually exists. A funny thought if you think of “unicorns” and “Sponge Bob”. But a horrible thought if you think of words like “shame”, “caring”, “faith”, and yes – “love”.

It is hard to accept that but that is how it is.

The problem today is that the world we know today was built at least in part with values that we do not have any more. Meaning that the future is completely unknown.

One big part of the problem is the super fast technology development. We simply do not know how to handle it. Nobody can deny that technology is not elevating our enjoyment of life as much as we believe it is. In fact it is doing more harm then good. A paradox but we need to face it.

Because of the loss of values and fast technology development about 5 years ago we stepped further from Nature in such a way that the future is not only uncertain but also will certainly be painful for much more people than any point of history.

That’s the reality today.

An off key note of insanity


Yeah, done that. 6 days a week 3 hours a day. Push the gym door, walk in and all sounds went muffled. The way to screw yourself without anybody else’s help.

It was a religious fucking experience – to know that I can just step up to the bar and lift it. Nothing in my head. Nothing existed. I saw no people, no sounds, no movement. Just me and the weights. Absolute bliss. So I did it for hours.

Got up to 296 body weight. Fucking 7-9000 calories a day added 50 lbs in 3 months and keep you going to the gym every day. 8 cans of tuna for breakfast and so on. Stuff my face every 2 hours.  And protein shakes in-between.  I could not tie my shoes – I was always so full. A real beast…

I woke up one fresh Saturday morning and my first thought was “I’m doing it today.”. Very calm and peaceful thought. To commit suicide. Half an hour before my next 3 hour bliss in the gym. How gymrat poetic..

If you are so dumb to let yourself go down like that you deserve it. And no, there won’t be any great progress from that – just mediocre results that seem great in your head. Who the fuck cares that I did 90 lb. dumbel flies stretching almost to the fucking floor for 60 reps? And about 120 sets of all kinds of exercises every day. Not a fucking soul. And for a good reason. It means fucking nothing.

So good luck with internet fucktard quotes slapped on the background of a pimply roid back.

The Hall of Mirrors


Ети люди были созданы нами самими такими какими мы их помним и поддерживаем “живыми” внутри нас. Ты заметил определенные характеристики, в специфичном отрывке времени и в процессе взаимодействия с тобою в сей момент. И для тебя етот человек так и есть вечно. Совершенно нереальная структура.

Таким же образом “мы” создаем и сами себя – крайне специфическое поведение – всегда связанное с ситуацией, настроений, знанием и т.д. . И ето установленное специфическое поведение мы позже пытаемся и настаиваем переложить на другие ситуации. Мол “Я такой и я всегда так делаю.” – хорошии, злой, сильный, слабый, умный, тупой…

Вот и текст к етим мыслям – группа Крафверк, “Зеркальный зал”:
“Молодой человек вошел в зеркальном зале и нашел свое отражение…. Он сделал себя таким каким он хотел быть.. И изменил сам себя.,,”

Если все ето на самом деле так я думаю что основа “самосоздания” и “создания нереальных других людей” ето факт что мы не способны видеть реальност так как она есть. Но то что я думаю важнне – мы не можем пережить видеть реальност такая какая она есть. Только создавая версии реальности мы способны существовать как более или менее организованное существа. Такая цена владения мозга который способен абстрактному мышлению и мета взляда на реальность, А тоже и цена за существовании в более сложном обществе. Не думаю что жывотные имеют такие проблемы. И если верить “Красной Таблетки” – то даже примитивные племена людей не очень страдают от умственных заболеваний потому что у них в обществе очень четкие опредления кто и есть и какую функцию испольняет.

Be prepared


“Fortune favors the prepared mind.” –Louis Pasteur

This morning I took this picture. Took me 1 second to do it.

I’d not have seen this feather if the dog didn’t need a walk.
I’d not have noticed the feather if I didn’t have the mind to see it.
I’d not have taken the picture if I didn’t have a camera with me.

You’d not be where you are unless others took you there.
You’d not have an experience if your mind is not ready for it.
You’d not register a valuable experience if you had no tool.

And it’s all happening right now.



You like this photograph because it is about transcendence.

Maybe you haven’t noticed – every day we try to become something else, to be somewhere else, to go to this place where we are what we really are. We do all that without much thought.

I’ve started to believe that by design we can not know what we can become. But we strive to get there. The truth is in some brief moments we do not need to strive any more – we have arrived. Maybe the secret to a happy life is to be capable of recognizing these brief moments. Because we can not see the big picture, at least not in this life.

While we strive to be somewhere else life goes on. As the saying goes “Life is what happens to you while you make grandiose plans for the future.”